Some see a Weed and Some see a WISH

This has been a high anxiety a day: fertility is getting under way and it is a lot. Throughout the month there is blood drawn at least once a week, ultrasounds, and medications as they have found the problem. I’m excited, do not get me wrong but it is a lot. My blood test today showed I am not pregnant which was zero surprise as we JUST started this process and my intuition is rarely wrong: chronic pain has taught me to listen to my body! Hence, why I do not listen to other’s opinions regarding my choice to go the fertility route. I knew something was not right just as I knew I was pregnant with Kayci without one symptom. I was lying in my daily yoga class and the instructor asked: “How is everyone feeling?” I jumped out of savasana and shouted: “Shit, I’m pregnant!” I just knew, no one believed me until I took the test twenty minutes later. Point being, I knew something was not right and I have learned to listen to my body (not my pain body but my intuition and heart.) I was correct: my body is not producing a close enough amount of the hormone progesterone to carry a child. I have probably miscarried in the past few months without knowing it because of my lack of progesterone. Had I not made this appointment I would doubtfully get pregnant and if I did I would have most likely miscarried. I am thrilled we are in this process but it can bring with it some anxiety: as all new adventures bring.

I was having just a “blah” day: hormones, chronic pain, etc. Plus, I’m human and some days can just be blah and that is ok! However, I knew a walk with Kayci would benefit both of us. We walked into town to the health food store where she got a healthy treat and I got my favorite drink in the world: kombucha! We have an appointment tonight so I wanted to just enjoy a long walk with Kayci. I allowed her to walk on her own sans stroller even though it added about thirty minutes but it gave me some perspective. Every time my little two year old saw a dandelion she had to pick it up and blow as hard as possible to make a “wish.” I joined in on the fun and just making the wish that I pray for daily made me feel better. I came home with a much better feeling and outlook. It is true that a twenty minute walk outside can truly help one out of a funky mood. Every time I see a dandelion I will never look at it as a weed: to my two year old it is just a wish and seeing through a child’s eye is much healthier than seeing through the eyes of an adult.

Use Your Energy To Believe!

Happy Saturday Everyone! I find myself today worrying a lot especially now that I do not have many distractions. Note to self: stay away from large (venti) Americanos from Starbucks. All that caffeine did not help my anxiety! I could write a book on every worry I have at this very moment and bore people to tears so I will not go into my anxieties because most of them are just plain ridiculous. I love this quote because I waste so much of my mental energy worrying when I could turn most of my worries around into believing everything will work out. Because, as I have written probably too many times everything always does work out.

I’m a very odd person as people who know me well will attest too. Mornings that I wake up with a smile on my face and am excited for the day I automatically start almost trying to find something to worry about. Almost as if I am not good enough or allowed to just be happy. It is something that is very hard for me to explain. We can all find things to worry about. I can’t name one person I know that does not have concerns, problems, or worries. But for me to be so programmed at waking up with worries that even on days when I wake up happy I look for worries just shows how deeply rooted some of my anxieties are. Maybe deep down I feel I do not deserve to be happy? Maybe I spent more than half my life overcoming brain surgery and living with chronic pain that all I know is waking up nervous? Or, it could go back to the age of five when my worries and anxieties truly began. I know this because my dad even took me to the doctor at a very young age because I had such horrible sleeping issues. I could not fall asleep because I was always scared. Or maybe I overthink everything and need to work on simplifying things. Whatever the case may be I am tired of worrying so much. It eats away at me to the point where I just want those running shoes on my feet….that music blaring in my ears and only the road ahead of me to get out of my thoughts. But, unfortunately I am human and Forrest Gump is a made up character and I cannot run non stop.

I am going to try practicing using my energy to believe instead of using my energy to worry. I know this will be easier said then done. So anyone with anxiety, join me! As I fall asleep tonight or when I wake up tomorrow and I start worrying about things I cannot control or even things I can I am going to begin re-training my brain to just let go and believe. It takes the same amount of energy. I would rather use that energy to work on changing how I see things in a positive way then use that energy worrying. I swear I am the definition of insanity. Logically I know everything is always okay. Worrying never changes the outcome. And yet I continue to worry and worry expecting a different result. I am going to start trying to believe. Got nothing to lose!

Negativity

My daughter who is 18months woke up at 3 30 am screaming bloody murder. It was honestly scary for a few minutes because my husband and I could not figure out what was wrong. I thought she wanted a bottle but she quickly threw that across the room. I have to remember how frustrating it must be to not be able to express your needs and rely solely on someone else to anticipate them (no pressure moms lol) Gave her some tummy medicine and eventually she calmed down. Once she felt better she was so beyond happy there was no way she was going back to sleep. With my in-laws in town I didn’t want her waking them up running through the house and well being a toddler. My husband didn’t go to sleep until after one am so I was just annoyed. I didn’t get much sleep, my daughter was ready to run a marathon and we were stuck in a bedroom. At six am the sun came out so I put her in the running stroller and ran (jogged is a better word.) I was exhausted. I was thinking way too much about how my total lack of sleep and annoyance/frustration would affect my chronic pain for the day. Returned home from run and everyone was still asleep so I took Kayci to pick up produce. I was still very annoyed (with no great reason to be annoyed.)
During my shower (my ten minutes of alone time) I literally forced my brain to shift gears and enjoy the day. Yes, I am tired and mildly frustrated. But, the negative committee in my brain needs to shut the hell up. I have to remember that at any point during the day I have the ability to start the day over.
Its Friday (which as most moms know really doesn’t change much lol) but I have a lot to be happy for and I am at this moment turning the day around.
Holy shit, my daughter just fell asleep in her high chair. Just writing about being positive makes good things happen. Ok, she is hopping in her crib and I’m going to do a meditation.