Anxiety and Chronic Pain

I have yet to meet a person who has chronic pain but has no anxiety symptoms as seen above.  What came first: chronic pain or anxiety?  I believe for everyone this is different and I am not a huge fan of the: what came first: the chicken or the egg theory anyways.  In the end, who cares?  You have chronic pain and you are dealing with the dreaded invisible illnesses that hop on board with the relentless pain you are already facing.  I personally know that I have had anxiety problems since I was a child.  Even at the young age of six I worried about everything.  I remember nighttime being the worst because I was never able to turn my young mind off.  I worried about things that were in my reality and things that no child or adult should waste their time thinking about.  My dad once took me to my pediatrician because I had such problems with insomnia: I was nine!  My bike accident happened in my young teens which resulted in brain surgery and a life with chronic pain.  Chronic pain did not help my anxiety at all.  I have written this before but I fully believe this to be true: the fear of pain is often times worse than the pain itself.  I no longer look for a cure for chronic pain and manage pain totally naturally.  However, I still have some difficult days or nights but they do not rule my life by any means.  I over did things yesterday and was overly anxious and paid the price last night as I watched The Bachlorette and later read.   However, I do not fear pain but I do find myself fearing anxiety.

There is no doubt that anxiety increases my pain levels and this goes for everyone.  People without chronic pain get headaches, back aches, and stomach aches when overly stressed or filled with anxious thoughts and worries.  If you are already living with chronic pain, there is little doubt in me that anxiety, when heightened will lead to increased pain levels. I have been working on managing my anxiety for thirty years and the one good thing I have learned is that a lot of the techniques I use to manage chronic pain also help with my anxiety management: exercise, breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, yoga nidra, healthy diet etc.  I cannot believe I am writing this as I never thought I would be able to manage pain without a cure or medication but managing my anxiety is more difficult than managing chronic pain.  Wow, just writing that fact is shocking to me.

Anyone that has anxiety knows how difficult it is to live with this very real invisible illness.  Just like chronic pain or any other disease, one cannot understand the true feelings of anxiety unless on lives with this chronic condition.  I awake most mornings with a huge amount of anxiety and most days I can jump up and just start my routine but there are some days that it takes a ton of will power.  Anxiety, like chronic pain can truly take over one’s mind and then body if we allow it to.  People may say to you: “You worry too much, everything works out.  Just calm down.”  Most of us, myself included know that the things we worry about always work out however it is very difficult at times to talk reason to our minds and souls when they are in a heightened state of anxiety.  Logically, we know how blessed we are and that the past has taught us worrying will never change the outcome but just like a difficult day with chronic pain there are difficult days with anxiety.  I struggle the most with anxiety first thing in the morning and at times as I try and fall asleep.  I noticed lately the more I give in to my anxieties in the morning the easier it is for me to fall asleep because I am so tired from having battles in my mind that I am not only exhausted, but have stressed myself out to the point of having a difficult time with pain.

Where is the happy ending of this battle with anxiety?  Is there an ending?  I do not know.  I only know that if I can learn how to manage chronic pain without medications or finding a cure, I can better myself in more ways than I realize.  Life isn’t about the destination, it is through the journey of ups and downs that we learn and grow.  I find it ironic that having chronic pain because of a bike accident taught me (ten years later) how I can manage anxiety the same way I manage pain.  I also find it crazy that anxiety is more difficult for me to manage now than pain.  Fifteen years ago I would have given in to both chronic pain and fear in the morning and never have gotten out of bed.  Now, at the age of thirty five I feel as if I slept super late because it is my day off and I did not wake up until eight in the morning (thank you daughter!)  Our thoughts become our reality, I do believe this to be true.  However, once we accept it is our anxiety talking and not the rational part of our minds we can at least come to a great starting point in our journey with anxiety.  We are always works in progress and I have learned more from chronic pain than probably anything in my life.  I plan to do the same with anxiety and worrying.  We just never give up and no matter where any of you are with your personal invisible illness, I know from much life experience that you are truly doing the best you can.

Lessons From the Accidents We ALL Face

“Note to self: If you were able to believe in Santa for eight years, you can believe in yourself for five seconds.  You Got This.”

Unknown

In the above picture, my daughter is belting out a Mumford and Sons song as I play the drums.  She believes in everything.  She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age it is frightening.  She reminds me so much of myself now (most of the time)  it is scary.  A day does not go by that someone does not say: “She is a mini version of you to the tee.”  For the most part, this is a great thing.  There are many things I love about myself and I am proud that Kayci is herself one hundred percent of the time.  She truly does not care what anyone thinks and is downright funny and entertaining.  Just this afternoon, we went out to lunch at the infamous Houlihans that reminds me a lot of the movie: “Office Space” minus the flare.  Music was playing in the background fron the sixties and Kayci danced for the entire restauratnt.  She did not care in the least who was watching or what anyone thought of her: she was happy, making others happy, in her own world believing in herself.  When do we lose this sense of belief and self love?  I never want my daughter to lose her carefree attitude and her zest for life.  I was a carefree child up until my bike accident and that fall that changed my life forever, happened out of no where, with no warning, and those two seconds of my life stole fifteen years of my life.  I lost my zest for life, I lost my self worth and self esteem, and worst of all I lost myself.

I am now thirty-five and for the most part, a care free person and people who know me know that I have no filter and am still called the entertainer.  I am proud of myself for how I manage chronic pain and how I help others in their own battles with their personal invisible illness.  However, I look up to my daughter more than I look up to anyone.  The car accident we were in just last week ended up being a lot worse than I thought.  Our SUV was considered totaled and we are in the process of working with the insurance company and buying a new car. No one was hurt and that is what matters, however I am still having trouble wrapping my mind around what happened.  It truly shook me to the core.  It was almost as if the accident put me off balance because after the accident, everything seemed to start going wrong.  However, were things really going wrong or was it just how I was perceiving the ‘problems?'”  I found out on Monday night that the car was considered totaled and I felt like a failure. I began hating myself despite the fact that it was a true accident and I cannot think of something I was doing wrong.  That self-hate began to manifest itself in me and my mind became a catastrophic mess.  I came to a point of acceptance yesterday and of course everything is working out as it always does.  I am sleeping again, back to my chronic pain management schedule, and working on self love.  I need to start believing in myself more and that is what the accident taught me.  I am way too hard on myself as a person, a family member, and a mother.  I never truly give myself enough credit or practice what I preach regarding self love.  Life can change for the better or worse in a split second, my bike accident taught me that.  When bad things happen, we need to find a lesson because there is always something to learn from an accident.  I learned that I need to slow my mind down, appreciate what I have more, and believe in myself more.  Life is so short and when you become a parent you realize just how quickly it goes because it feels as if yesterday Kayci could not even walk.  I want to live for the here and now.  I want to count my blessings and I want to be proud of myself and stop beating myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past.  We all deserve those things. 

 

 

Sometimes we CRASH

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

“Soren Kierkegaard

So many people (and I agree) say: things could be so worse, you should not be sad or upset, count your blessings.  However, I read a quote once that said: “Telling someone they should not be sad because things could be worse is like telling someone they should not be happy because things could be better.”

I was driving to work today in the rain in my new car, with my four year old in the back and she was yelling in the back because she was exhausted and I was overthinking (shoking) and it was raining and  the roads were slick and we got in a pretty bad accident.  If you are a parent, which many of you are hearing your little one scream as you hear the sound of a very loud collision is tough to swallow.  Yes, we are blessed.  No one was hurt and it is just a car and I have great insurance.  However, lets be honest: it sucks.  I never lie to any of you so not going to start now but I cried literally all day, for multiple reasons.  Cognitively I know there is nothing I can do now and it is pointless to keep thinking about it but as far as I have come, I’m having a bad day.  You have those questions like: “If I had just left five minutes earlier or if it had not been raining, etc. ”

I practice what I preach most of the time but there are days that are totally overwhelming and I forget.  At the time of the accident, I was distracted by my four year old’s tears because she was exhausted,  I was annoyed at the rain and thinking about being stuck inside for twelve hours at work, I was worried about issues that all adults have and instead of living in the present moment despite the ‘no fault’ accident, I crashed: HARD.  I truly do believe some things happen for a reason and maybe the Universe was telling me to slow my mind down and stop worrying so much.  But, I’m human and I’m sad, anxious, and angry.  Like I say, it is okay to cry it out and be upset: just do not pack up and live there.  I am, have been camping out for the day: I’m accepting my right to be upset.  People, especially women put a LOT of pressure on ourseleves and we sadly live in a state of guilt a lot of the time.  I feel awful my daughter was scared out of her mind, I feel awful this is a new car, I feel awful that I let my family down.   I know how blessed I am that no one was hurt but I am still sad.  It will pass as all things do and in a couple weeks/months I will see the reason of this horrific accident.  However, at this moment I’m not ok and that is ok.

There are so many tragedies occurring in our country at the moment, the biggest being the shooting in an Orlando night club just a few nights: the biggest shooting in our country’s history.  It is devastating.  I cannot imagine, nor will allow myself to picture any of my loved ones killed because of their human right to live.  No excuse.  No one deserves to be bullied, hurt, or killed for the way they live.  It is truly heartbreaking.  I was going to write a post on this tragedy tomorrow as I was supposed to have work today but may as well bring it up now.  I am not in the government, I am not God, and honestly I do not have the answers on how to stop the endless tragedies that keep plaguing our country.  I wish I did because it is truly beyond devastating.

With that said, we all have a right to have bad days. I, personally do not know and cannot fathom being a part of the worldwide shootings and massacres that continue to destroy the lives of innocent, beautiful, amazing people.  I cannot say that I understand because I do not.  Most of my readers have some type of an invisible illness.  It is OK to mourn the losses you have faced due to your illness.  Comparison is the thief of joy in both good ways and bad.  Comparing your life to someone you “think” has it better will only make you feel awful, the same goes for comparing yourself to someone you “think” has it worse.  This is your life.  We are all allowed good days, bad days, low pain days, difficult days and must stop comparing our lives to others.  Why the hell did I crash my car today?  Why can I not get the images of the shattered pieces of car out of my head or the noise of the impact of both cars?  Why, no matter how hard I try can I not stop crying?  Why do we have chronic pain?  Sometimes there are NO answers and we have to keep going and never lose faith.  I learned a lesson today, a lesson I already know but at times do not practice enough.  No, I am not going to be mad at myself for being emotional, what is that going to solve: more tears.  You are allowed to be sad.  You are allowed to be angry.  You are allowed to feel exactly as you do at this moment.   Do not suppress those feelings, let them out.  If not, you will bury them deep and camp out in emotional turmoil for a long time.

 

Gratitude For the Ups and Downs of Life

“Be patient, everything comes to you at the right moment.”

-The Buddha

I turned thirty five just three days ago, an age I never thought I would reach fifteen years ago when chronic pain ruled my life but here I am at my favorite place in the world with my favorite person in the world and although the age of thirty five scares me, it is exciting  as well.

As many of you may know, I keep what is called a one-liner journal.  Every day since the year 2011, I write down three or four lines of what I did that day.  It is so easy and fascinating to see how much can change in a year, how much can stay the same, and how much you have to be grateful for.  I will share with you my one liner journal for June 7th, the day I was born.

June 7

2011:  Happy 30th birthday Jessica!  I woke up to beach chairs with balloons and a princess crown, gotta love my dad!  I went to the gym and had a protein shake shot: so much more rewarding than a shot of vodka!  My dad and I (and Kayci in my tummy) went to my favorite place in the world: Ocean City!  I read all day, ate amazing food like Mack and Manco pizza (I refuse to call it Manco and Manco despite the change of owners: it’s my history.)  Came home to my family and got great maternity work out clothes and a pink work out watch to check my heart rate:  BABY FIRST.    Such an amazing birthday full of laughter!

2012:  Birthday sucks!  I did yoga in the morning while Kayci watched me probably thinking inside her little head: “what the hell is my mommy doing?”  Had a doctor’s appointment for pain: so unhappy with myself.  I cannot believe I allowed myself to allow my doctor to prescribe pain medicine.  I hate myself.  I spent time with La La *my grandmother who passed days later.  I cannot believe this will be my last birthday with her next to me.  Sarah brought me my favorite soup.  Lindsay came over and we went for a very long walk with her doggie and Kayci.  Of course Lindsay cheered me up , as always and the highlight of the day was seeing Kayci laugh for the first time!!!!

2013:  Happy 32nd birthday!  Kayci woke me up at four am!  My dad gave me the sweetest card.  I miscarried two days ago so pretty down but also very proud of myself.  I cancelled my upcoming pain specialist appointment and made a firm decision to never go back to pain medication again.  It was one of the hardest phone calls of my life but I am tired of hating myself.  I know I can manage pain naturally and am much healthier and happier when not on any pain meds.  Following my intuition and wisdom makes me feel really great.  I made an inspiration station board with all my favorite quotes on it to remember each day how much happier I am without utilizing medications for pain.  Lindsay, my mom, Jay, my brother and his girlfriend came over.  Everyone was so good to me.  It could be one of the best birthdays of my life because I am so proud of myself.

2014: I woke up at four am and wrote a post that took two hours.  I cannot believe I am 33!   I took Kayci to get a pedicure and then the two of us went to the pool.  Eh not the best birthday but not the worst.  A few people came over for dinner.

2015:  Worst birthday I have ever had.  *can I be dramatic at times or what haha I feel very alone and sad.  Yes, I received gifts but gifts are never what make me truly happy.  Life seems to be going so fast and I don’t like it.

2016:  It is official I am 35.  I worked today and then had dinner with family.  My real birthday is in two days when my dad, Kayci and I are going to Ocean City!!!  I am so excited to read, play in the sand, and go in the frigid water because my daughter is as crazy as I am.  I got amazing cards that made me fantastic.  I am very proud of myself and although things aren’t as I had planned them to be at the age of thirty five, I know I am in the right direction.

“Thank you Universe For all the Good things in my Life, I do know yet know about!”

Abraham Hicks

2014:

Yoga and Chronic Pain

“Yoga is not about touching your toes, it is what you learn on the way down.”

Jigar Gor

Yoga has become such a huge part of the world we live in today.  There are yoga studios everywhere, yoga magazines, and more yoga DVD’s than I can even begin to count.  Many people have this idea that yoga is this vigorous exercise that requires one to be extremely flexible.  I used to believe the same thing.  The thought of exercising scared me enough, I could not imagine doing  the yoga poses I saw on the covers of magazines or the stretches I saw on the television.  Many people do practice yoga to get the ‘yoga body’ so to speak, however many people like myself utlilize yoga because it truly is a way of life.  I learn more from what the instructors say either in a class or on a DVD than I do in yoga positions such as downward facing dog.

There is a huge correlation between chronic pain and anxiety.  I have had anxiety since I was a little girl but that anxiety only intensified once I fell off of my bike and ended up with chronic pain.  ANYONE can practice yoga.  There are so many benefits, its a no brainer that we all (chronic pain or not) should be practicing this form of ‘exercise.’  Here are a few of the benefits I have found through practicing yoga.  I only started utilizing yoga in my daily life after I made the decision to manage pain naturally and accepted my invisible illness that I no longer look for a cure for.

1. Stretching: part of my routine for managing pain is stretching in the morning.  Yoga kills two birds with one stone.  I have yoga DVDs that are solely based on morning stretches and morning affirmations.  I am not only stretching my body, which we all need to do if we have chronic pain but I am hearing the affirmations I will use throughout the day that will have a positive impact on my mood/anxiety/chronic pain.
2. Self Esteem: People with chronic pain often times have a very low self esteem.  Anyone reading this with chronic pain knows what I am talking about.  My self esteem was so low due to chronic pain years ago that I literally hated myself and there is nothing more detrimental or life threatening than self hatred.  Yoga teaches us that we need to focus on ourselves and our health.  Yoga does not teach us to look awesome in a bikini but teaches us that the more we feel good on the inside the better we will look on the outside.  Do you ever just see certain people and the first thing you notice is their smile and genuine happiness?  There are many times I notice these attributes on a person before I even glance at the color of their hair.  People radiate light and energy and I have found that yoga has helped me focus more on the inside of myself than the outside.
3. Friendships:  Some of the greatest people I have ever met have been in a yoga class.  I met one of my dearest friends in a yoga class two years before my daughter was born and we remain friends.  I find most (not all) people in yoga classes are the most non-judge mental, empathetic, good hearted people I know.  One has to find the right yoga studio and class that fits in with their own personality and self.  I think every yoga studio should have a sign outside that says: “Non judgement zone” because I have never felt judged or looked at differently at any yoga studio to date.  I remember going to my first class many years ago and I was beyond scared.  I am/was one of the most un-flexible people in the world and was frightened people would make fun of me.  Quite the contrary: I was welcomed with open arms and literally felt love and positive energy radiate from the classroom.  One class and I was hooked.
4. Flexibility:  Sure, yoga is a form of exercise that stretches our muscles and over time we are able to surrender into poses we once thought to be impossible.  However, I am speaking of the flexibility of the mind.  The teachings of yoga have truly changed the way I think about the world and more importantly myself.  Yoga has helped me see myself differently and in a good way.  I have never regretted practicing yoga and seem to learn something different from each class or video.
5. There are thousands of videos of yoga for pain relief.  There is chair yoga if one wants to start very easily.  Yoga comes in every shape, size, and form because it is more for the mind than for the body.  Our thoughts become things and the more we listen to positivity and words of wisdom, the less our minds are brought to pain.  It is the mind body connection.

 

I am a very up-beat, anxious, high energy person and it takes a lot for me to slow down.  I was very fired up this morning and my mind really wanted to do a cardio/weight lifting exercise routine but I listened to my body and intuition and ended up practicing yoga for stress relief.  That is why I ended up sharing this post with my readers.  Yoga helps me to slow down and remember what is important.  It is an added bonus that without even realizing it, yoga does help my pain levels.  As my dad always says: “Ya cannot lose what you don’t have.”   Give it a shot.

 

 

 

 

Follow Your Passion

“The gift to help other’s is a great responsibility, a fact that your mother knew well, and such gifts often force us to make sacrifices, be better than we think possible, rise up for the sake of others–and while employing said gifts often makes our lives more complicated than the lives of others less burdened, we are never more miserable than when we stop using our talents.”

An expert from the novel: “Love May Fail” by Author Matthew Quick

Matthew Quick is the author of the now famous novel and movie entitled: “The Silver Linings Playbook.”  I have now read all of his writings and have read about his history and his life because of how he writes. He reminds me a lot of myself and how I would one day like to write.  His novels also take place in Philadelphia and the surrounding suburbs of South Jersey where I live.  It is very cool to read such amazing stories that take place a couple blocks from where you live.  Matthew Quick, or how I knew him Mr. Quick or Q was my favorite high school English teacher. He was many student’s favorite teacher because his teachings came from a passion of writing as opposed teaching to test us.  He truly loved literature, writing, and people and English had always been my favorite subject so it is a no brainer to me why he was my favorite teacher.  I have been writing about my journey with chronic pain and subsequent depression and anxiety for three years now.  I have combined my two passions: writing and helping those who are suffering from chronic pain as I once did.  As most of you know I never found a cure to chronic pain and my search for a cure to this invisible illness came way too close to ending my own life.  I found a way to accept chronic pain, live with the invisible illness, manage it naturally, and find happiness despite pain.

I fell off of my bike and had brain surgery when I was in my young teens.  I came close to dying but nothing was as torturous as the following ten years would be suffering from the invisible illness that had no name at the time: chronic pain.  I have written this before but of all the things I missed the most that I thought chronic pain had stolen from me were reading, writing, and fearing that I would never be able to be a mother or have a family of my own because of my invisible illness.   I will be thirty-five in six days and I have more than I ever thought I would have despite never finding a cure to my disease.  More than that, I am following my dream of writing and helping those who are in the vast midst of hell in their own journey with chronic pain.  I know that if I am able to manage chronic pain naturally and find happiness anyone can.  I truly believe I was meant to fall off of my bike that June day back in the 90’s and suffer as I did in order to help others.  Call me crazy, most people do.

High School and the first years of college were the most excruciating years of my life.  I remember sitting in my Algebra class, a subject I had no interest in and one of my peers asked me why I was rubbing my head and face.  I did not even realize I was doing so.  My chronic pain resides in my head and face due to my fall so I spent years upon years rubbing my face, head and neck trying to massage the pain away.  I remember being so embarrassed when my classmate asked me why I was rubbing my face and I had no idea how to answer her.  I never talked about chronic pain to anyone except a few very close friends and pretended I was fine as I looked perfectly ‘normal’ on the outside and had no idea how to explain something that was happening in my body when I had no idea what was happening myself.  All I knew was that I was in severe pain but no treatments, surgeries, or medications were working.  I was scared, depressed, and had never felt more alone in my life.  Mr. Quick’s class was the one class I did look forward to during my nine periods of classes in high school.  I loved his assignments, I loved his sense of humor, and I loved that he believed in me.  No, he did not know that I had chronic pain but he believed I was a good writer and he gave me a bit of confidence when I had nothing to be confident about.

I had no idea he would turn into this famous writer who is known around the country and has turned his first hit novel into one of the most famous movies that have hit the theaters in the past few years: Silver Linings Playbook. No, I have not seen the movie.  Up until this year I had not read any of his books because it felt too odd.  I look at Mr. Quick as my favorite high school teacher who helped me get through some hard times, not a famous author who lives in North Carolina and writes for a living making more money than I can even fathom.  However, I do not believe Mr. Quick writes because he wants to be famous or rich.  I truly believe he writes because he has a passion for it and would be miserable if he did not follow what he believes to be his calling.  Yes, he was a fantastic teacher but he went against the odds and followed his dreams and is now touching the lives of millions of people with his amazing books.  It still does not seem real to me but Mr. Quick gave me hope back when I was a teenager suffering from chronic pain and he gives me hope now that I can and should follow my passion no matter what anyone else thinks or who believes in me.

I love the above expert from Mr. Quicks novel: “Love May Fail” because it sums up how I feel about helping others with chronic pain with my writing.  Many people do not believe in me and think I am wasting my time sharing my brutally honest story about my journey with chronic pain.  Many people do not like me sharing such personal things about myself with the world.  However, when I do not write for a couple days I feel down.  I feel as if the passion inside me is fading away and although motherhood and family are number one in my priority list, writing and helping others with chronic pain is second.  I do not know if I am a talented writer or will ever come close to the success my former teacher did through his writings but I do know I have to write to be happy.  I know I am helping people.  As the final sentence in the expert above says: “we are never more miserable than when we stop using our talents.”

This post is dedicated to one of the many people I look up to: Matthew Quick

Better Things Are Coming

“Better Things Are Coming”

Unknown

Life is full of transitions and just like the ocean we somehow always end up going through rough waters, calm tides, and times of uncertainty.  This coming weekend is awesome: Memorial Day Weekend; the pool opens, the sun will be shining, and my daughter will be back with all her summer friends.  We will be able to drive to the beach and I will be the lucky person who gets to see the immense joy on my four year old’s face who seems to have gotten a love for the ocean from her summer loving mother.  The changes that happen between the ages of three and four are just incredible.  The changes are so bittersweet and I try hard not to focus on how fast she is growing up and try to enjoy the ride of time.

However, I thought my life would be different a year ago today.  Then again, as I have written many times all the big things I believe are going to happen at a certain point in time never happen when I believe them to but when the Universe believes the time has come.  Sure, I wish some things were different and I will be very honest in the fact that I have been focusing on what I do not want in my life as opposed to what I want.  What we continuously think about begins to manifest in our every day lives.  My thoughts are coming from a sense of lack and my focus has been on how unfair things seem to be therefore I am bringing more of what I do not what into my life.  We all get into ruts at times and I know better things are coming.  There are times in our lives when we must not only change our thoughts but our actions as well.  It is the definition of insanity: continuing to do the same thing while expecting a different result.  I used to truly hate myself.  I lived a life of chronic pain and I did not live it well.  I did things I am not proud of: some a result of chronic pain and some things because I never  healed old wounds.  I no longer hate myself.  There are times I hate certain aspects in my life but I am proud of myself.  I need to practice the phrase: it is just a bad day, week, or month: not a bad life.  One of my closest friends once told me: “Everything changes Jessica, nothing stays the same.  Trust the process.”  I think of that quote daily.

Chronic pain truly did steal ten years of my life because it dominated everything I thought and everything I did.  The reason I am able to manage it naturally and ended my search for a cure was because I no longer wanted pain to be the focus of my miserable existence.  People ask me why I continue to choose to not try a new medication that was not around when I stopped taking medicications and accepted chronic pain as part of my life and my answer is quite simple: pain no longer controls my life and I am not looking for any results or cures to my pain.  If I started going back to acupuncture or began taking a new medication on the market for chronic pain, I would be back in anticipation mode.  I would be anticipating some pain relief.  I did that for far too many years and have come way too far to ever go back to the doctor for pain relief.  Yes, I have difficult days but because I chose to stop focusing on pain and searching for a cure, I began to actually live as opposed to survive.  Our thoughts become our reality.  Chronic pain is always there but over the years I have practiced to train my brain to bring my thoughts away from pain.

If I am able to do that with chronic pain, I believe I can do that with my present circumstances.  No, things are not how I imagined them to be or prayed for them to be but that is out of my control.  I must choose more positive thoughts and focus on what I do have and trust the journey of my life.  There was a time I never thought I would be able to read, graduate college, be a mother because of chronic pain.  All of those things plus many more have come to fruition so why obsess over what I now believe will never happen?  I am, as we all are a work in progress.  I will continue to do what I know is right for myself and my family.  I will continue to manage chronic pain the best I can and get through the changes in my life and I will start doing things that make my soul happy.  I have gotten so wrapped up in taking care of everything outside of myself and have stopped taking the care my body and soul deserve and need.  We must take care of ourselves or we will be no use to the people we love.  We must do the things that make our soul happy and for me that is writing, reading, and doing things for my inner child.

“People will love you.  People will hate you and none of it will have anything to do with you.”

Unknown

What Does Love Feel Like?

“What does LOVE feel like Mommy?”

My four year old angel: Kayci

Three days ago my daughter who just recently turned four asked me one of the most difficult questions anyone has ever asked me: “Mommy, what does love feel like?”  We were driving home and I was lost in thought and completely taken aback by this very profound question that came from my little girl.  I always try to answer her questions even when I do not truly know the answers.  However I cannot look in a book or browse the internet for the questions/answers regarding love.  I knew I had to answer and yet could only think of one word: safe.  It would be easier to answer such a huge yet simple question if Kayci was about ten years older than she is but she is not your average toddler in any way, shape or form.  I am not sure I even truly understood the deepest feeling of love until she was born.  I did what all adults do when they do not know how to answer a question: answer a question with a question (do you not just hate that!?)  I asked her: “how do you know you love mommy?”  She answered much more quickly than I had anticipated: “that is silly mommy.  Of course I love you.  You take care of me, are funny, and I don’t know I just love you.” However, she kept pressing me for my answer of : “What does love feel like?”  I finally surrendered and babbled something that is beyond hard to explain: “Love is something that is hard to put into words.   Mommy cannot imagine life without you, that thought is very scary because I love you so much.  Love is a feeling that is hard to put into words.  I think love is feeling safe and important and knowing you are loved enough to love yourself.  I think you and Mommy love music so much because it puts into words what we cannot say.”   Needless to say this was a profound moment that has not left my mind the past few days.  And yes, a little deep for a little girl with the mind of a true healer.

Fast forward to the next day when I was the lucky one to get the stomach virus that is going around.  No matter what ailment one gets, everyone seems to say: “Oh that is going around.  My best friend’s, sister’s, cousin just had the same thing.”  I awoke around midnight two nights ago at the sound of my daughter’s voice calling me.  I stood up and realized I was dizzy beyond belief.  It was truly difficult to walk.  However, my daughter needed me (love) and love sometimes means doing things you do not want to do such as standing up in the middle of the night because your toddler begs you to.  As I walked down the hallway I became more and more dizzy until I fell, literally fell and hard.  I fell in front of our bathroom and then began vomiting everywhere.  I was scared.  I awoke the next morning with multiple bruises and was literally unable to get out of bed.  My dad who has always made me feel safe was at our home within the hour, playing with Kayci and making me toast.  I slept for the following twenty four hours: that is sick. I never sleep during the day.  I awoke yesterday and still felt pretty awful.  Our daughter has her first dance recital in less than a month and yesterday was the last day to buy tickets for the show.  She is only four and is beyond excited to dance for the people who love her.  She loves music and dance and I felt such guilt at the thought of not taking her to dance or worse not buying tickets to her recital.  Call it a mother’s strength, or call it love but somehow I managed to get her dressed in her hot pink tutu, feed her, and get her to dance class on time.  Her friend’s parents took one look at me and said: “What happened to you!  You should be in bed.  How did you  even drive here?”  Without thinking, I simply stated: “Love. I would do anything for my daughter.”  That is when I remembered the question: “What does love feel like?”

There are so many different kinds of love: there is someone’s first love, there is the love between two people who have been together for fifty years and as much as they get on one another nerves they cannot imagine a life without the other, there is the love between siblings, friends, and then the love a parent has for their child.  Love has different feelings and can be amazing and filled with joy and at times love can be scary and very difficult.  We all have different ways we see and view love.  I feel that love is feeling safe with another person.  Chronic pain taught me who truly loved me and who did not.  The one person I felt truly safe and loved by was my dad who always believed me and never gave up on me.  If you love someone you just know it, there is not a way to explain the feeling of true love.  As scary and difficult as love can be, it is the most magical feeling in the world.  If you love someone who has chronic pain they do not need you to fix them or even find the right cure or medication.  They need your love.  It really is that simple.  The person with chronic pain or any invisible illness needs to know they are loved and safe.  I will repeat the three most important words one can say to someone who has chronic pain: “I BELIEVE YOU.”

Some Days You are Not OK and That is OK

“Sometimes you will be in control of your disease and other times you will sink into despair.  That is OKAY!  Freak out, forgive yourself, and try again another day.”

Unknown

I wish that I could say that every day I felt as great as I did in the above picture but that would be a blatant lie.  I have trouble now faking a smile even though I spent ten years pretending to be happy while secretly falling to pieces on the inside but not every day is great.  Most of us in the world have good days and some bad days and there are those who have more bad days than good but I am writing about chronic pain and how some hours of the day or at times an entire day I am very focused on pain and I hate it.  Ten years plus was PAIN, PAIN, PAIN and there were no real smiles or true feelings of peace or happiness.  All I thought about was pain and all I did was search for a cure to my invisible illness.  As much as my life has changed in the world of pain I still have some bad days especially when I over-do things and despite how far I have come a part of me feels almost angry at myself, as if every day should be pain free.  Granted, I have chronic pain and it is always there but there are some days it is all I am able to think about and I remember just how depressing and annoying that pain can cause myself and those around me.  Then guilt comes in because I feel like I am not being the mom I usually am because my daughter is used to a happy, silly, fun mommy who loves life and loves being active and I am in some way failing her (am I the only mom who worries about so many things they are doing for their child: right way wrong way and so forth?)  The cycle of pain then begins: pain-worry-fear-guilt-anger-depression- then increased pain comes into my life with a vengeance yet only for a day instead my entire life.  For that one day or few hours I feel as if I have failed.  However, am I being too hard on myself?  Are you being too hard on yourself?

It all comes back to non-resistance.  I have chronic pain.  In many ways I am an anomaly and I share my story in the hopes of saving as many other people suffering with this invisible illness as possible.  I have found a way to accept chronic pain and manage it naturally and I have been doing this for ten plus years and my life is a hell of a lot better than when I was looking for a cure and taking medications.  When I accepted my invisible illness and stop fighting it my life changed forever: for the better.   I was about twenty two at the time and I am now thirty four.  When I accepted chronic pain back then and learned how to manage it naturally I knew that there would be “difficult days” aka (days where I think about pain a LOT and the days frankly suck.)  Over the years as I got better and better at managing pain and putting on the back burner of my brain, I had less and less difficult days and at times I thought: “Oh my God, chronic pain is GONE!”  No.  That thought sets my upcoming days to be upsetting as there will be some difficult days and I need to remember my acceptance of that and know that the next day will be better.  Chronic pain is the hardest thing I have ever had to manage in my life but I manage it well and am pretty happy and healthy despite this illness.  None of us should be hard on ourselves the way I am hard on myself when I have these difficult days.  What good does that do?  You are doing the best you can and I am doing the best I can.  I should not feel the need to repress my emotions that come with difficult days.  I should accept the sadness and pain and know that the next day or maybe even the next hour will be better.  However, none of us should accept guilt: there is nothing for any of us to feel guilty about.  It is okay to freak out, cry and let it all out.  As I have said before, just try and not pack up and live in that despair.  There are so many happy days ahead of all of us: trust the process.

“If you knew the size of the blessings coming your way, you would never worry or be scared again.”

Unknown

 

Managing Pain Without Pain Managing Me!I

“I wish I could tell you that it gets better. But it doesn’t get better, YOU get better.”

Joan Rivers

Every few weeks or so I will receive an email or a comment/question on  how I manage chronic pain and what my daily routine entails.  I could easily just copy and paste a previous article I have written on my daily routine but writing it on a different day, in a different mood seems to un-lock things in my mind that I forgot to tell all of you or have not explained well.   I apologize for being repetitive for those of you who have read  my multiple posts focused on my daily regiment for managing chronic pain but if it is helpful for me to re-write my techniques, I would hope it would be helpful for all of my readers as well.

I am a thirty-four year old mother who has had chronic pain for about twenty years.  Ten of those years I spent searching for a cure, taking medications, and spending every last dime my family had to cure my invisible illness.   The ten years after I accepted chronic pain and learned how to manage it without medication or a cure have been the healthiest, happiest years throughout my journey with chronic pain.  As Joan Rivers says: “I wish I could tell you that it gets better.  But it doesn’t get better, you get better.”  I find that quote very on point with my personal journey in the world of chronic pain.

So, here we go with how I found to way to get better without finding a cure to chronic pain.  Keep in mind, I have a toddler who is the light of my life and many other responsibilities that can change my daily routine in a second.  However, I truly try and usually succeed to keeping my routine the same each day.

STRETCHING:  I try to wake up before my daughter awakes so I am able to start the day off with stretching my body: neck rolls, shoulder rolls, relaxing my body from my head to my toes:literally.  With chronic pain, I have faced severe anxiety.  There are some mornings that I truly have to pull the bandaid off and force myself out of bed and into the room I exercise in.  I take the Nike approach and JUST DO IT.   I spent so many years not getting out of bed because of pain and just laid there crying but pain is no longer my first or even second thought in the morning.  However, I sometimes feel such anxiety that I just have to get out of bed and jump into life.

EXERCISE:  I know what you are all thinking because I used to think the same way: how can I exercise when I am in this amount of pain? Exercise will only make my pain worse.  Our minds can be total assholes (excuse my language) but they truly mess up our lives.  My dad always says: “Don’t believe everything you think.”  I like that.  Exercise is one of my favorite tools in my management of chronic pain.  I NEVER exercised in my life until I accepted chronic pain and learned how to manage it naturally.  Everything takes time and with anything new, especially dealing with you body you start off slow.  I started off with DVD’s from the library starring the infamous Richard Simmons.  Then I realized there were tons and tons of different exercise DVDs out there and after a few weeks I began to truly enjoy exercise.  I now make sure to exercise every day whether or not my crazy toddler is awake.  Some days she exercises with me.  I listen to my body.  There are days I just do a light yoga session and then there are days I do a sixty minute kickboxing routine I find on the television or in my library of work out videos.   Incorporating music into exercise is a must.  Everyone likes music: and the combination of music and exercise is very helpful in managing both chronic pain and anxiety.  Your body needs to move, it wants to move: it is your mind that is holding you back.  What do you have to lose?  Maybe a few pounds if you feel the need but that is not why I exercise.

MODERATION: I take breaks throughout my day as much as I can.  When I worked in the office setting as a social worker I tried to not spend a long period of time on my computer: working with patients with ailments of all kinds did not allow me to sit much anyways but I always made sure to stretch and was cognizant (as much as possible) as to how I was sitting and breathing.  During my one break pre-lunch I would do a short meditation with some of my patients, which I was fortunate enough to do.  I now try as hard as possible to practice some form of meditation despite being a full time parent. I know I cannot do it all in one day.  I make a list every night before I go to bed of what I need to do the next day and yes many times I will write exercise and meditation.  I try to space out my days/weeks so that I am able to take the breaks my body desperately needs.  Lists are very rewarding.  There is something about checking off a box or drawing a line across something you accomplished.

MEDITATION: The word meditation scared me more than the word exercise when I first began managing pain naturally.  I refused to do it for a long time.  Each time I attempted to do a meditation, my mind went directly to where my pain was and I felt that “meditating” made it worse.  I was trying to not think of pain and distract myself but sitting still for ten minutes seemed to bring my attention more to pain than anything else.  I finally gave in and realized that I am the type of person who needs to go through a guided meditation.  Again, there are more CD’s on Amazon.com than you could ever imagine on every kind of meditation.  I know you can find five, ten or maybe even twenty minutes in your day to put in a CD or download something to your IPOD that allows you to just relax.  My favorite meditations are guided meditations that take me to the moon or the beach or on a walk through the woods.  I need to be listening to someone speak as I relax/meditate or my mind will wander.  With meditation comes breathing.  Stop for one second and notice how you are breathing.  Look down: are you breathing with your chest or your belly.  It is okay, most of us adults breath with our chests.  However, we were born to breath with our bellies.  Have you ever noticed how a baby or young person breathes?  Their stomachs go in and out in a peaceful motion.  As we get older, the way we breath changes which is more toxic to our bodies than we realize.   Stress, anxiety, and being busy non stop has literally caused an entire nation to breathe the wrong way.  We receive about eighty percent more Oxygen when we breathe with our bellies.  I still forget to focus on my breathing except when I am doing a meditation.  Do not start stressing (as I tend to do) about how you are breathing: totally defeats the purpose.  If you decide you want to try to do a meditation focus on your breathing and use your belly to breathe instead of your chest.

DISTRACTIONS:  We must train our brains to not think about pain.  I spent a decade thinking about one thing twenty four hours a day, seven days a week: PAIN.  It took a LONG time to re-program my mind to think about other things.  Once I accepted I had chronic pain and learned how to live with it I began distracting myself with things I enjoyed so that I would not think about pain.  This took a good year or so truly see the effects of distracting my brain each time it fought hard to think about pain.  I always had a book with me and found hobbies I did not ever think I would enjoy and without having any expectations, suddenly I noticed I was not thinking as much about pain as I was about every day things.  Many things in which people without chronic pain take for granted.  I will never forget walking around the lake with my dad on one of my breaks from college and realizing thirty minutes into the walk that I had not thought about pain.  I was so happy.  Again it is a journey and there were many times I got myself very upset because I could not find a way to not think about pain.  This is natural, normal and at some point it is okay if you give into your pain.  You are literally changing your brain patterns: this is not an easy task.  Once again, our minds are stubborn as anything and want to fight your heart and soul with everything it has.  Be persistent and consistent.

SLEEP:   Are you tired?  Um…is there sugar in syrup?  Then YES. If you have ever seen the movie Elf with Will Farrell that quote should make you smile, a little at least.  Of course you are tired, you are fighting a battle with pain non-stop.  You have side affects from medications you may be on, you have insomnia because at night your pain seems to be at it’s worse and every few minutes you look at your clock to see just how many hours you still have to maybe get some sleep.  HELL.  First of all, I get it.  I still have trouble sleeping at times, mostly because I worry too much but some nights it is because of pain.  I want you to take any clocks you have in your bedroom down.  If you need an alarm clock or use your phone as your alarm put it under your bed so you stop torturing yourself looking at the clock as it ticks on and on and your anxiety of getting no sleep goes up and up.  There is a huge correlation between sleep and pain.  There is this magic little thing I know about that can honestly change your exhaustion: do you trust me?   No, it’s not a pill: sorry, I wish there was a cure to chronic pain and insomnia trust me!  So what is this magical thing I found to help me get some rest: YOGA NIDRA.  Don’t be fooled, just because the word yoga is in the title does not mean you will be standing up or doing poses such as downward facing dog.  Yoga nidra is the meditative heart of yoga.  It is a meditation that puts you in a sleep like trance.  I would not believe this works if I was reading this ten years ago either,  bear with me.  Thirty minutes of yoga nidra is the equivalent to about five hours of real sleep.  All you have to do is go on youtube.com or buy a CD on amazon.com with those two words in the title: yoga nidra and give it a try.  You lay down however you want to.  I like to sleep in the fetal position so that is how I practice yoga nidra but the point is to make yourself as comfortable as possible.  You press play, shut your eyes and see what happens.  It took me about three times of trying yoga nidra before it ‘worked.’  I wish I had known about yoga nidra years ago.  On the nights I have a difficult time sleeping and do not get much rest I try very hard to practice yoga nidra the next day.  Following the session I feel like I have slept for hours and only thirty minutes have gone by.

I do not want to overwhelm any new readers to how I manage pain without a cure or medications so I will stop here for today.  If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to email me at kaycik12@gmail.com or leave a comment here.