“Just because they say action does not mean you have to do anything.”
This picture was taken just last week in the beautiful town of Lake George, NY. My family and I went on a week long vacation that was so fun, peaceful, and unique it was difficult to drive back to reality this past Sunday. My little mini me and I shed some tears as we drove away from our log cabin on the lake and onto the New Jersey Turnpike. Vacations are always amazing but I find myself managing my chronic pain so much better when away from the every day hustle and bustle of real life. When I pack for vacation, I make sure to include my “chronic pain management kit” which includes: yoga dvd’s, books, healthy food, CD’s for meditation, and my journal. I am able to follow my routine for managing chronic pain naturally while on vacation and then some. I am able to find endless, healthy distractions while away with the people I love. It takes me a few days to adjust to the ‘real world’ once I return from a week away in what I call paradise. I spend a week forgetting the stresses and issues I have at home and am able to surrender to the here and now for those seven blissful days. We returned from our trip Sunday afternoon and the excitement of being home helped me forget my longing for that log cabin and pool. I was busy unpacking, doing laundry, sorting through mail, and cleaning a home that had been alone for a week. I went to bed tired and not feeling ready to wake up and face Monday in the non-vacation world.
Monday turned out to be a day from hell. It started out just like any ordinary Monday: I exercised, got my daughter ready for the day, and left the house for errands and work. I do not need to go into detail of what exactly transpired this past Monday but I now see how things really do happen all at once. While I was at work, I was anxiously waiting for a phone call that would either give me great news or not so great news. I received the phone call around noon and it was not so great news. I was sad and shed a couple tears and got back to focusing on what I needed to be doing at that moment. Five minutes later my phone rang again and it was a call from a close family member with really bad news that affects the people I love the most. A couple hours later my phone rang one more time for even more difficult news. I felt like I had to do something to fix the problems that I was faced with immediately. Instead I called my dad and told him everything that had just happened and he shared the above quote with me: “Just because they say action does not mean you have to do anything.” I realized that if I went into fight or flight mode than nothing good was going to happen and I was not only going to get myself into a huge mess, my little girl was going to be very upset and confused.
Logically I know that everything always works out but I struggle in the moments of bad news or life stressors. I have two modes: catastrophic mode or fix the problem immediately at whatever cost mode. Neither mode is constructive and both modes are very detrimental to my pain levels. I forget how much stress/anxiety affects my chronic pain. It does not matter how well I follow my routine for managing chronic pain when I am a crying, anxious mess. I end up paying for my negative emotions physically once late afternoon/nighttime hits. I exhaust myself to the point of extreme physical pain that I am no longer worrying about anything because I am only focused on pain.
People in my life forget that I have chronic pain which is not their fault. I have had this invisible illness for twenty years. Most of the people in my current life were not a part of my life when I was drowning in my fight against chronic pain. They did not see the twenty one year old Jessica who spent her days in doctors offices and her nights drinking with her friends to the point of crying alone wishing she could either kill herself or chronic pain. People in my life now see a person who states she has chronic pain but manages it naturally and has a good handle on her invisible illness. I rarely if ever talk about pain as this is a very important tool for me in my management of chronic pain. The more I talk about pain the more I think about pain. The more I think about pain, the worse pain becomes. A life with chronic pain can be very difficult even for myself at times. I have come to a great point in my journey with pain but life stressors impact my pain levels more than I would like.
A lot of you are drowning in pain right now and feel that your pain will be forever and have no idea how you are going to make it through today much less the rest of your life. You want to fix the pain right now, numb the pain right now, and you are either in catastrophic mode or need to fix this immediately mode. My dad has always given me very sound, zen advice. I urge you all to think about the quote that helped me these past few days: “Just because they say action does not mean you have to do anything.”